Sometimes...I wish.

I don't even understand what the universe, god, or whatever is controlling or not controlling my life or my friend's or family's lives. It is beyond understanding, that much I can say. One day, like say Thursday, you think one thing about someone, and idea, a thing, and then the next day, maybe less than 24 hours later, you have a totally different aspect. People think change of ideas are gradual, but sometimes they can happen in instant! It is a bit scary too, when you were counting on that something, and poof, it's gone, right from under your feet. This hasn't necessarily happened to me recently, but to people close to me. Sometimes things work out the way they do, whether you like the way it happens or not, but it's hard to try and see things any differently than wanting to turn back the clock and fix them they way you think they should've been fixed. I like to think of myself as a time traveler, a bit like Kurt Vonnegut's character in "Slaughter-hour five." That book was insane, and immensely.....immense. But that book is for another conversation, for another blog sesh, for another coffee break. Back to life. I don't even know where to begin and end with this. Just the fact that I love one individual so much that whatever they do, I will always be there for them. It makes me want to cry because I have never felt that for someone and it feels so genuine and natural. It isn't the type of love that you might find in a book. More of a type of love that books are written about, if that makes any sense. They are my other half in a sense, although they might not feel the same about me, because they might be saving that half for someone else. But it means so much to me that the one thing they didn't know where to turn to for help, understand, an ear; they turned to me. Along with them telling me, the fact that I haven't told anyone about it also means a lot to me. I know that I can be there for someone, and be strong enough to hold that for them, until they are ready to make it a reality and tell someone else about it, someone that SHOULD know. Although I feel a burden in having to be there for people and not always feeling that there is someone out there for me, I think, Jesus and so many other heroes and amazing beings in the world had burdens that they believed were treasure. I don't think people are burdens, just the idea that I don't have that person I can go to for big things. Things too big to hold on my own. But then again, I don't think I let myself have that person. I have too much pride. I'm trying to work on that. Also, I don't want to burden anyone else. So basically, it's my fault but in a good way. I want to be someone's saviour, muse, life philosopher. I like thinking about everything, especially things that are too hard to think about. I can go on and on. But I will leave it for a rainy day.