Our city goes down in flames..

I cannot understand what is going on right now? My nerves are making me shake, uncontrollably sometimes. I want everyone to be safe but the closer the evacuation route gets, the more scared i get. I really don't understand what i'm supposed to do. Pray, cry, laugh, thank? I just keep seeing flames on the t.v. take over the cities that i love. Carbon Canyon is dust. I keep wondering if i go to sleep, will i be waken up with my mom telling me to grab my things and run. I want to be safe, as well as my family, friends, and animals. I know we have the best of the best working at it, but this has taken control of itself. I'm wondering where we are going to go when we finally are told to flee our homes. It's engulfing everything. My mom said she feels like Anne Frank during the Holocaust, waiting for the Nazis to come and take her to her doom. Gah, i am trying to keep calm but so many of my friends have been evacuated. I know if we do get evacuated i have to keep composure, but i feel as if i'm just going to break down. I think i'm going to keep writing until i feel safe in my own home again. Everyone is trying to sleep except me and my cat. My dad is passed out, my mom is sleeping next to me, my cat is with my dad, my dog is somewhere trying to sleep, and my kitty is running around, and my fingers are running across my keyboard. I don't know what to think. Be thankful because the land around our homes are being burned and therefore harder for them to catch fire again soon? Be hateful for what has happened to places that are close to my heart? I think i have a right to be everything. Firefighters have been injured: i owe my life to them. So many houses have burned down: i can still feel mine underneath my feet, for now. I really hope the winds die down, for the sake of everyone. My heart beats up and down, fast and slow, hard and soft; like the fires. If anything does happen, i want to stay in an optimistic mindset. I do not want to believe all is lost, because i am still alive and ready to keep living. If i lose my home, i lose it. I feel like these fires are ppl, ready to devour anything in their path, mimicking our fight against them. I feel like the terrorist endangering my life is mother nature. I love her, but sometimes she can be a little bit over the top. And those Santa Ana wind do not help either. I do not know how long i will be up. I do not want to go to school on Monday. I feel like this will never end. I see some light outside. I really hope it's the sun trying to come up, forcing itself through the smoke and ash. It's ironic that in space, the closer you get to the sun, the colder it gets; of course until you are right next to it. I feel like my stomach is in my throat, like an ongoing rollercoaster, making continuous loops with no intent to stop. "Ring around the rosies, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Orchids: a way to my heart

It's amazing how one little flower can make you feel so much. Just the look of it, the feel, the smell, and even the naturalistic form of it. It's also strange that if someone, anyone, knew that I loved orchids, or felt like I had a connection to them, I would probably show so much gratitude for them remembering or finding out what my favorite flower was. To me, that is a big thing, where others would say it is a small thing I am enjoying in my life. Like that saying, "enjoy the simpler things in life." I want to learn to live like that, although I don't think it's possible to teach yourself to live simple. So much has been created in my generation from the beginning of the theory of gravity and so on, that there is no way anyone can, or even would want to go back. There have been those few that have tried it and found out either they weren't cut out to live off the land (which we do, good ways and bad), or they found out that it is the best experience that they have had in their life. I want to do so much with my life, but so much of what I want to do involved computers, networking, remembering faces and names (and putting them together in the correct manner.) Not to say I'm not a people person. Sometimes humans take me by a big surprise. I've grown to learn that every one should know where they came from, which ever way they choose to find out. Through religion, through family, through anything. Since I was little, I've wanted to know about my ancestors and where I was from. I know that I have some connection to Europe, it being a feeling or just the fact that I'm a white mexican which means I might have some connection to the Spanish, but I rather think that is more of a feeling I have. Funny thing about feelings. You never know when they are right on cue, or in a totally different universe. I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this, but I started out with one idea, well actually quite a few, and I couldn't decide which one, so I guess there a few tangents that could be explained more clearly, which in fact, I am awful at. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't feel like sleeping, or just can't, and I want to see the future and the past at the same time and dream about things that happened in my life rather than relive them, and live the things that could happen to me in the future, but not know if those predictions would come true. Light is pretty funny too. It deceives. We all live a few seconds in the future, or present, however you'd like to see it. Life travels fast, but too fast for our eyes, therefore whatever we see is a few seconds off and in the past therefore, we are, in theory looking into the past. I dk why I even brought this up, but I really like thinking about it. 

Happily Depressed (Cellar Door)

I'm glad I held off on typing up this blog, because today in philosophy we covered Aristotle's theory of "happiness." He believed that happiness is sought through someone's full life: You aren't happy in the moment, but in the entirety of your life. At the end of your life, you must be good looking, with a successful job, wealth, material things, and everything that most people today believe connects to happiness. I don't know if I believe in that, but I do believe that happiness is thought through the last day of your life, and then put together from the day you were born.

I was watching Donnie Darko today, then you guys will know what the Cellar Door means.

Sometimes...I wish.

I don't even understand what the universe, god, or whatever is controlling or not controlling my life or my friend's or family's lives. It is beyond understanding, that much I can say. One day, like say Thursday, you think one thing about someone, and idea, a thing, and then the next day, maybe less than 24 hours later, you have a totally different aspect. People think change of ideas are gradual, but sometimes they can happen in instant! It is a bit scary too, when you were counting on that something, and poof, it's gone, right from under your feet. This hasn't necessarily happened to me recently, but to people close to me. Sometimes things work out the way they do, whether you like the way it happens or not, but it's hard to try and see things any differently than wanting to turn back the clock and fix them they way you think they should've been fixed. I like to think of myself as a time traveler, a bit like Kurt Vonnegut's character in "Slaughter-hour five." That book was insane, and immensely.....immense. But that book is for another conversation, for another blog sesh, for another coffee break. Back to life. I don't even know where to begin and end with this. Just the fact that I love one individual so much that whatever they do, I will always be there for them. It makes me want to cry because I have never felt that for someone and it feels so genuine and natural. It isn't the type of love that you might find in a book. More of a type of love that books are written about, if that makes any sense. They are my other half in a sense, although they might not feel the same about me, because they might be saving that half for someone else. But it means so much to me that the one thing they didn't know where to turn to for help, understand, an ear; they turned to me. Along with them telling me, the fact that I haven't told anyone about it also means a lot to me. I know that I can be there for someone, and be strong enough to hold that for them, until they are ready to make it a reality and tell someone else about it, someone that SHOULD know. Although I feel a burden in having to be there for people and not always feeling that there is someone out there for me, I think, Jesus and so many other heroes and amazing beings in the world had burdens that they believed were treasure. I don't think people are burdens, just the idea that I don't have that person I can go to for big things. Things too big to hold on my own. But then again, I don't think I let myself have that person. I have too much pride. I'm trying to work on that. Also, I don't want to burden anyone else. So basically, it's my fault but in a good way. I want to be someone's saviour, muse, life philosopher. I like thinking about everything, especially things that are too hard to think about. I can go on and on. But I will leave it for a rainy day.

Reason is the highest form we must, no, should acquire.

I can't find any reason for what has happened since the beginning of my second year as a community college student. I enjoy all of the classes I have this year. Probably since two of them are classes I plan to use for my career in the future, and the other two really get my brain juices going. But what happens when everything seems so right, but so wrong a the same time. I always stick to my pride and never sway, but sometimes I feel that my pride is the most weakest part of me, because it weakens my thoughts the most. Instead of going for what I feel, my logistical pride takes over and tells me "no, you said no and that's that." Well, I want to follow the footsteps of all the philosophers that have been taught throughout the years of many college students first years of higher education. I want to question what happens and learn through the experience I go through, but I do not, in any way, want to stick to my pride because it is what has pulled me through the hardest of times. When I think about those hards times, they aren't as tough as they seem. They only seem difficult to me because it is just what I have been through, but I don't know the hard times that others have felt. Well my train of thought was lost because I just had a wonderful call from one of my best friends and she helped me through something that I can't reason at the moment. That fact that once you get over someone, and somehow, the stars align so that they come back to you when you are way over that bridge. This phenomenon has happened to me on quite a few occasions of my life and I feel like giving up on the fact that I can't figure it out. Is it the idea that because I've moved on, they feel that I am fair game again, or what? This goes back to my thoughts on my wonderful but powerful pride. Should I go down the same trail I've gone through before, knowing what rocks to miss, what puddles to jump, what shades to rest under? Or should I find new rocks to trip on, or new puddles to jump in, or new trees to carve new initials into? I'm not the same person that strode that same path, and neither are they, so it is the same path? Or is it different since we, as people, are different? I feel like a falling star trying to find someone to land, not looking for a safe or soft landing, but just a place to rest. Since the universe is infinite and never ending, in theory, which is probably true, I don't want to just keep falling forever, especially since I'm so used to standing and catching myself before I fall. I can be the bitch of the world and frown at everyone that walks by me and they remember me through that, or I can be the girl that always smiles, no matter how bad things are, and people rarely notice, but knows when it is time to break down. I want a balance, a medium, a ground to fall AND stand on. I'm always for experiencing and learning new things. But what if those things aren't meant to be experienced or learned by you? Does fate take over and move you from the situation, or does the other side of fate, the "unfate" make you figure it out? So many questions. Too early in the morning.

Stitches of a quilt we call love

Today was a pretty normal day, besides the fact that I aced my first philosophy paper and got a 99% on my first philosophy test. I'm really catching the ideas and theories of these crazy guys. I wonder if we will ever get to a girl philosopher. We started talking about Plato and what his beliefs were. In the idea of Beauty, he said that the physical form of beauty is the lowest form of beauty, because the essence of beauty is the "idea" of it. I used to be a person that once I learned something new that I really liked thinking about and figuring the background behind, it truly believed it. Now I'm taking an approach from the outside looking it. Being the most objective as I can about a subject by trying to not put my feeling or emotion in them (something that can be very difficult to do sometimes). We all say we can be objective, but we are all so quick to defend ourself, our morals, and beliefs. Especially our ideas are very held behind in our minds because we believe we are going to be shot down by society or by people we know personally. This brings me to the idea of infinite, true love. I, for one, don't think I've experience this phenomenon. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I think I've stopped myself from loving. Every since I was a child, I've been loved unconditionally by two people that I have not been so grateful towards: my mom, and my grandma (she has always been like a second mom). If I don't feel like I give enough gratitude towards the most important people in my live, how can I be gracious for my friends or intimate lovers. I don't think I've been a matured relationship with a male. I say male because I think right now, the boys at my age are that, just boys. I don't know what a man is really, but the closest thing I can come close to a description is my dad. He protects my family; he helps me grow; he shows me how stubborn I really am through his being stubborn towards me and my other family members. I read an article in Oprah's magazine today (there was nothing else to read but this issue was all about love so i thought it would be worth it because it had true stories of all the different types of love that exist in the world), and the article talked about how you are the person you want to be in the relationship, which makes the other person the person they are in the relationship, and therefore you take it or leave it as it is. The write of the article was an author about love stories, and have been married three times already, she felt she was experience enough to know a little about what works and what doesn't, especially being amazingly happy with this last husband of hers. So you are either (as an example), your strong-willed, serious-faced father, or your sweet-smiling, warm-feeling mother. You are either the person that controls the relationship, or the one that goes along for the ride. Although in certain circumstances there are times when you might change positions, but all-in-all you pretty much stay the person your relationship chooses you for. I think I would be, in my family, my heavy-hearted, stubborn-minded, but warm-hearted mother. Although my dad shows as much affection as a lighted match towards spilled gas, which is the same for me, I think the fact that my mom loves showing affection might show me a little something that will help me later on in life. I want to be the person that gives more to the person I love (and when it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I feel like I do), but I also want to do that with my family and friends and start keeping friends and start making more acquaintances, because you never know when those new people might because full-fledged friends. All I really want is to start believing that something can happen out of the blue and start worrying about what isn't happening. One day I will know EXACTLY what I want to be, and although I don't have a clear and structured idea right now, that doesn't meant that it will never be that blue print I longingly want. I leave you with this...."Love is an energy. You can feed it to people, and they in turn feed it to others, and eventually it comes back." Hill Harper

Water chickens are fun

So today, although I felt laziness was crawling in every corner of my being, was a good day. Slept in and slept through my allergies. Turns out the cold I was dreading to have turned out to be a cold. I watched tv and ate veggie food all day. I wanted to go out and ride my bike but I wanted it to be all foggy and such like yesterday. But either way, I ended watching some good movies. I got some laundry done, but who knows when I will have the motivation to put it away. I don't even really care when people come over because we never really step inside my room, unless I'm giving a tour. Tonight was really fun. I went to Newport with Andy. He is probably the only person that would motivate me to do anything, even at 7 p.m., which is rare for me to leave once I have or still have on my pj's on. Well, because of him I froze but I felt ok with my new jacket on, which I love. The hood has a soft texture in it, like sheep stuff. I had the best Green Tea Latte. I love green tea. I don't know what has gotten me into this fad, that probably I'm the only one following, but either way, Arizona green tea is my new addiction. It's good for you, and it's really tasty. I have one every time I work. Once my mom finds them at Costco, I will be having one at least once a day. Right now, I'm all about cranberry juice and crystal light when I'm at home. You might be wondering about the water chickens title. When we were at the beach, there were these little birds playing in the water, and they were literally playing in it. They would run away and in it like a five year old child would. And I decided they were water chickens because that's what they looked like if chickens were about a tenth of their size and liked the water, oh and flew. Andy and I both thanked each other for the night (through text messages nontheless). I'm gonna miss him once he leaves because I think we are closer than ever. I'm sure we are still a bit reluctant to talk about certain things that have happened, but we both concluded that we talk about pretty much anything and everything. I hope my trip up to Santa Cruz works out and we enjoy Bringing Me The Horizon and San Francisco fully.